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Science Gnus Almanac

Humorous Attempts At Humor

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Back Science Gnus Almanac



Dead Horse List

Definitions 

Periodic Puns

Least Welcome Questions*
Thanks, Art Lebofsky

You Might Be In Education

21st Century Measurement
Administratum - The Element
 Science Is Hard

Administrator Evaluation


One Sentence Job Descriptions

Evaluation Quotes
Call Center 
So What Did You Call Your Book?Places to Visit
Cartoon Laws of Physics

                         Scientists Review the Science Gnus Almanac    

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
 Einstein thought it would be relatively easy.

Volta was electrified
Archimedes was buoyant about it.

Ampere was happy that it was up on current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said it would not be too much pressure.

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Orville and Wilbur Wright think it will take off

Dr Jekyll wasn’t sure -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.      

Morse's reply:  ”It’s right on the dot. We can’t dash through it.
Heisenberg was  uncertain about it.

Hertz said the topics have great frequency.

Audubon said we don’t  have to wing it.

Hawking said we have to string enough time together to make a space in the schedule.

Darwin thinks it will evolve
Luther Burbank says it is ready to bloom

Mendel said it has good breeding.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Newton was moved to react.
Salk said it gave him a shot in the arm

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.


Read 'em and Weep

Don’t forget that restaurant on the moon-

Great food but no atmosphere.

Claustrophobia - a fear of Santa

Science - preconception meeting verification

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

No matter how much you push the envelope,

      t'll still be stationery.

   Time flies like an arrow.

     Fruit flies like a banana.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 A backward poet writes inverse.

What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common?

The same middle name.

Where do frogs go when they have bad eyesight?  To a hoptician

Rhesus Pieces - a monkey in a blender.

Mohair is not the hair of one of the 3 Stooges

 A dog gave birth to puppies near the road

 and was cited for littering.

  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in

 Linoleum Blownapart.

  • A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

 The police are looking into it.

  •  The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was

  a small medium at large.

 

Isaac Newton's tombstone:

A body at rest stays at rest.....

 

Someone has stolen all the toilets from the Local Police Station.  Investigators report that they have nothing to go on.

 

Answer: annoyed

Question:  What do you call a science nerd from Brooklyn?

  • Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  •  The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now

a seasoned veteran.

  •  In democracy it's your vote that counts.

 In feudalism it's your count that votes.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

                He acquired his size from too much pi.


           I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

                but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

  She was only a whisky maker,

                but he loved her still.

 

      A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because

                it was a weapon of math disruption.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

                  One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'  

        

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

                  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,

                  a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

 When cannibals ate a missionary,

                  they got a taste of religion.

        Don't join dangerous cults:

                  Practice safe sects!

 

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?           

A nervous wreck

What opera is about hamburgers?

The Barbecue of Seville.

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Only one............but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and his left leg in a crash?

He's all right now.

 

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

Apachydermatologist

 

What is doughy and 50 meters high?

The Leaning Tower of Pizza.

Try not to get bitten by a deer tick while drinking a citrus beverage. In this way you can avoid getting............ Lemon and Lyme Disease

 

Why are geologists unhappy?
People take them for granite.


An astronomical Unit is a very large apartment.

 


Q: What is Preparation A?
A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.

It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you." 

 Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates. 

Why did the beetle jump off the cliff?

     It was trying to commit insecticide

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. "I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast."

If we breath oxygen during the dayWhat do we breathe at night?...................Nitrogen

Father - " My son thinks he's a hen"

Doctor- "How long has this been going on?"

Father- "About 2 years"

Doctor- "Why didn't you come to me sooner?"

Father- "We needed the eggs".

 

Did you hear about the frog who parked in a no parking zone?

He got toad away.

 

Teacher to student: "Your should become an oceanographer"

Student: "Why"

Teacher: "Because all your work is below C level".

 

And, of course, you can identify a dogwood tree by its bark................................bada bing.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

 

Correction

2b. or not 2b. is not the question.

2b. or not 2b is the answer.

What is the square root of 4b. is the question.

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

 How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way. 

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's 

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

 

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion is allowed per passenger. 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

A psychic dwarf escaped from prison. Be on the lookout for a Small Medium at Large.

 

What goes "ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo?"

A cow with no lips.

 

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit  a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.......................bada bing



 



 


Over on the Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams gave his readers an assignment: “describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way.” Here are the best replies with the top 10 at the end.

http://jobmob.co.il/blog/funniest-short-job-descriptions-ever/

 

My Job Is To…

  1. Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
  2. Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
  3. Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
  4. Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
  5. Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
  6. Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence
  7. Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
  8. Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
  9. Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
  10. Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
  11. Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
  12. Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
  13. Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
  14. Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
  15. Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
  16. Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
  17. Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
  18. Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
  19. Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
  20. Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
  21. Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
  22. Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
  23. Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
  24. Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
  25. Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
  26. Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
  27. Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
  28. Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
  29. Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
  30. Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
  31. Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
  32. Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
  33. Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
  34. Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
  35. Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
  36. Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
  37. Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
  38. Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
  39. Run away and call the police: Security Guard
  40. Copy and paste the Internet: Student

 

The Top 10

  1. Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams’ favorite)
  2. Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
  3. Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
  4. Call people who know what they’re doing and ask them what they’re doing: Incident Manager
  5. Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
  6. Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
  7. Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director
  8. Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
  9. Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
  10. Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee

 


So What Did You Call Your Book?

Samples:

The Joy of Chickens, by Dennis Nolan; 1981 (Prentice Hall); *Diagram Prize Winner!
The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories, by Alisa Surkis & Monica Nolan; *Diagram Prize Winner! 2002
Bombproof Your Horse, by Rick Pelicano & Lauren Tjaden; *Diagram Prize Winner! 2003 Anarexia Nervosa in Bulgarian Bees

Life and Laughter 'midst the Cannibals; 1926

Weeds in a Changing World (British Crop Protection Council Symposium Proceedings No. 64); 1998; *Diagram Prize Winner!

My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971

People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves To Unsuspecting bystanders and what to do about it, by Gary Leon Hill; 2005 (Weiser Books); *Diagram Prize Winner!

The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification, by Julian Montague; 2006 (Abrams Image); *Diagram Prize Winner!

The Encyclopedia of Medical Ignorance; 1984

The Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Greater Creative Thinking, by Tom Mopnahan; 2002 (Wiley)

How to Sh*t in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art, by Kathleen Meyer; 1988; *Diagram Prize Winner!
How To Avoid Huge Ships, by John W. Trimmer; 1992; *Diagram Prize Winner!

The Sunny Side of Bereavement;

How to Cook Husbands; 1899
The Gentle Art of Cooking Wives; 1900

Movie Stars in Bathtubs, by Jack Scagnetti; 1975 (Jonathan David Publishers)
American Bottom Archaeology, by Charles J. Bareis & James W. Porter; 1992; *Diagram Prize Winner!
Virtual Reality: Exploring the Bra; 1998
Reusing Old Graves, by Douglas Davies & Alistair Shaw; 1994; *Diagram Prize Winner!

 

And many more at:

http://www.bikepaths.com/humor/oddTitles.html

 


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